Art entitled "Regrets" courtesy of marmota, and is shared under a creative commons licence.
The following poem was inspired by Sunday Scribblings , writing prompt # 148, on regret. "Got any? Things you wish you’d done differently? Things you wish you’d said or not said? Things you want to be sure to do and say now so that you don’t end up with regrets?"
Eternal Regret -I Forgive Myself; but Can’t Forget~By CordieB
I’ve lived a lifetime of one regret
that’s dimmed with passing time; still yet
love and conscious won’t allow me to forget
And so I often trick my mind
to place sordid memories far behind
still… regret creeps in from time to time …
And then sometimes I even pretend
that day had actually not transcended
Imagine . . . starting anew again !!!
but reality knocks with raging force
thus I am left with grave remorse
perhaps that day changed my life’s course??
forever regretful, my heart still aches
but my God can NOT make mistakes
I convince myself for sanity’s sake
And so what IS, IS. What’s meant shall be
and that’s my whole tricked reality . . .
My life’s anchor through soul’s eternity . . .
Regret’s but a piece of life that’s made me, me . . .
~Written in memory of my dear mother, Marion Wallace, who died 30 years ago today, March 18, 1980, of a massive heart attack when I was 15, shortly after we’d had a terrible argument and I had left the house. I miss you, ma.
~~CordieB.
"Quote: Imagine, in the midst of a heated argument, that the person you are arguing with suddenly clutches his/her heart, utters a cry, and falls dead at your feet. Where is your anger now?" ~Unknown
a tender and wrenching poem, Cordie… particularly in the ending and coming to understand the personal story beneath it… before knowing your own story i felt it could be written by any one of us… is there anyone who wouldn’t like to snatch back a moment or two in their lives and make changes to it?… the burden of regret we carry around as part of our landscape can feel heavy at times… and yet too… it is what makes the landscape what it is…
what we end up doing is playing out our regrets over and over and over, making our own burdens heavier… we add stones to our own backpack until it is too heavy to bear…
your mother’s death would have been sad for you at any time, but in the time it happened it was deeply pivotal for you… and through all these years, how many times in your mind have you gone back and re-lived the circumstances of her death over and over again… yet… in reality, she died only once… and your love for one another…
it’s all still right here… not even death can take that from you…
sending you a comforting, knowing hug…
Thank you Joanne for your most comforting, truthful words. They snapped me back to reality this evening, and I thank you for that. Your words, “the burden of regret we carry around as part of our landscape can feel heavy at times… and yet too… it is what makes the landscape what it is… ” Indeed it does.
Thanks for the hug and love. . . right back at cha!
Oh, Cordie…
Thank you so much for sharing this and something so personal and such a touching poem. Big hugs for you.
This happened at such a critical time in your life when one needs their mother…my heart aches for you. Dealing with loss under any circumstance is painful, but this adds extra pain. I am so sorry.
I hope this isn’t offending to you, but in therapy I’m learning that thinking about what could have been, regrets, etc gets in the way of not completing grieving. It prevents me from accepting the loss of someone who is no longer with me. However, it is quite painful no matter the circumstance.
Take care,
CC
Thanks for your most caring comment, CC. In the spirit of Ubuntu, thank you for being. Peace, Light and Love, C.
Cordieb…
Your story touched me deeply and it is from those depths that comes my reply. I don’t think you recognize or realize the depth of your beauty.
Your deep sense of loving, your deep sense of Value for the people in your life. The depths of your Love…
carved out by such deep experiences of Sorrow.
Without the carving, there would be no depths to fill.
If I had been your Mom’s Soul and knew my time was coming, I would have chosen to depart in a way that would serve my daughter’s future. Such is a Mother’s Love for her child.
Which is exactly what I see your Mother did. A hard lesson, yes. But one that was very crucial in creating the cordieb that is here today, the person of such depth and beauty within those depths.
Maybe if you imagined those intense feelings the memory brings up within you to be the profound depths of your Mom’s love for you? Carved within you with the last beats of her heart?
Then could your tears be an expression of Gratitude in response to your Mother’s Love, rather then tears of regret? The intensity of feeling will always come with the memory but a simple change in perspective, can change what the feeling is an intensity of.
{{{hugs}}}}
Thanks for sharing that wonderful perspective, Sue Anne. All of life’s ups and downs can be changed with our perception I’m beginning to learn. It’s a matter of choice. In the spirit of Ubuntu, I thank you for your most loving comment. I am blessed that you Are.
PLL, C.
often our lives have a purpose we just cannot see with
these earthly eyes.
currently pushing the book: woman risktakers, by dr. patricia bailey.
So true, Nadgee. For now we see darkly, but one day we will see crystal clear. Blessings to you, Ubuntu. I am grateful for your being.
Peace, Light and Love, C.
Beautiful Poem, Cordie… I agree with the sentiments of the other comments… about how we all have regrets that we could apply this to.. but, knowing your back story makes it that much more moving… and, nice of you to share this part of your life. A good lesson for us all that you learned well, and shared just as well. You are a beautiful soul – which probably took a lot of different things to make you this way. Your mother, I’m sure, would be proud of you and never want you to feel as much guilt as you obviously have felt. I have to believe, that in the bigger picture, grudges over such unforseen things – can’t be held on to… or shouldn’t be. Take care.
Thanks, SamIamNot for your most loving comment. I am happy to have met you in the world of Blog.
Ubuntu Creative One.
Peace, Light and Love, C.
What a wonderfiul memorial to her.
We all have things we regret, but we are human and we are not made to be perfect. Accepting that can make it easier to accept yourself.
Cordie… I feel your words, my pain, regrets, shame… all meshed as one… I too know to lose, though I never knew your story… I am sorry for your loss… deeply.
“my God can NOT make mistakes” you KNOW this is true
“And so what IS, IS. What’s meant shall be” remember this forever, you are so brilliant! your energy shines to the heavens and beyond… your mother must be so proud! believe it!!
Thank you, Enreal. Your wings brushed against my heart today. Keep flying, Angel.
Peace, Light and Love, C.